Weak..

I guess I have to admit that I am weak

Start to accept it gracefully

And try to live with it

These weakness is always there

And nothing but embrace it will do good for life

I guess we need to grow up

And start living our own expectation

I think we are old enough to realize that we have to stand on our own

It is good to listen to others but the decision is always our own

So.. if everything is not working it is also our own bad

No need to blame others

Eventhough they do have some part on it too

We made mistakes and it is OK

May be it seems like you never learn from experiences

But it is OK

It is OK

That is the weakness that you should embrace

You will be OK

You will be OK

Crush?

There is this cutie in our group.

He is just.. nice.. and kind.. 

Basically.. I am a bit bias.. maybe..

Well.

It is because.. he do listen.. and talk to me.. like.. really talk to me.. and walk by my side.. and sit beside me.. when everyone else like.. ignore me.. pretend that I am invisible..

Crazy!

I mean.. it is like I suddenly relax and open up to him and we start talking about anything.. when in a situation normal, I just do not care, probably choose to quiet and keep my mouth shut all the time..

But then. There he is. Approaching me like I am a normal person. And we talked.

Well. It was nothing special. Really.

He’s just being nice. He did it to everyone.

No need to feel special.

That’s it.

Rite?

Nah. Maybe it is a bit special.

And I am grateful.

I hope we talk more, tho.

Let’s meet again someday.. you!

It is not the same anymore

I lost my motivation of doing everything.

I lost myself in the jungle of knowledge where I supposed to learn about everything.

In fact.. I know nothing.

I find myself unconsiously anxious without knowing that it is a dangerous feeling ever

A never enough

Like you have done a lot

But it was nothing

Nothing

Nothing

And you feel so much pressure

And you think that you did not deserve this at all

They called it an imposter syndrome

But I think it is just me

And my own anxiety

A low self esteem

Another problem I should overcome myself

Because it was me who walk this far

Yet I never feel enough

It was me who put myself in this shoes

That maybe not fit at all

What am I supposed to do?

Quit is not an option

Walk away is even worse

Maybe I will just let me bear with it

All these uncertainty

Will eventually pass

Maybe

But I do not know

And I hate it

I hate it when I do not know

Should I not?

Amnesia

Saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk menghentikan ingatan-ingatan tentangmu.

Sebenarnya keputusan ini terlalu menyakitkan tapi ini harus saya ambil.

Saya memutuskan untuk tidak lagi mengingatmu, menghubungimu, melihatmu. Saya memutuskan untuk berhenti.

Saya ingin menjaga hati saya dari membencimu. Dari rasa sakit, yang seharusnya tidak ada, karena melihatmu yang sudah berbahagia.

Saya mungkin hanya menyakiti diri saya dengan berhenti mengharapkanmu kembali. Jauh dalam hati saya tahu bahwa kamu tidak akan pernah kembali. Jadi apapun yang saya inginkan sudah tidak penting lagi.

Pernah ada masa dimana saya sungguh ingin melihatmu sekali lagi. Kembali seperti masa dulu lagi. Tapi mungkin ini pun tidak akan pernah terjadu. Karena saya pasti tidak akan sanggup untuk menahan airmata saya ketika kita akhirnya berjumpa.

Saya tahu saya bodoh. Seharusnya sejak dulu saya sudah bisa melepaskanmu. Tapi sepertinya tidak bisa. Saya masih selalu melihatmu dimanapun saya berada.

Kamu tahu saya sudah berusaha sejauh yang saya mampu kan? Sejauh ini saya berlari dari bayanganmu tetap saya bisa melihatmu dimana-mana. Bahkan saya sudah berusaha menghapus semua tentangmu. Sekuat tenaga tidak lagi mengingat namamu. Namun rasanya saya gagal. Karena berkali saya bermimpi tentangmu. Mendapatkan lintasan-lintasan pikiran tentangmu. Sering ber andai-andai, meski saya tahu semuanya mustahil, dan hanya ada dalam mimpi saja.

Bagi saya, kamu pernah menjadi sesuatu yang paling berharga dalam hidup saya. Dan saya tidak akan pernah bisa menghapus semua itu dari hati saya. Meski sekuat yang saya ingin untuk melupakan semuanya. Saya tidak bisa.

Bagi saya, kamu akan selalu spesial di hati. Meski mungkin bagimu saya ini bukan siapa-siapa. Bagi saya.. kamu pernah menjadi segalanya.

Terimakasih atas semua kenangan.

Maafkan saya yang tidak berusaha lebih keras untuk membuatmu tetap tinggal.

Maafkan saya yang melepaskan genggamanmu.

Maafkan saya.

Saya pun.. sudah memaafkanmu.

Terimakasih, L.

Untuk semuanya….

*saya rindu.. sungguh..

Adalah tiga-puluh-lima

I made mistakes. A lot.

When I was younger I thought that my life was too boring. Nothing much happened since I do not really like dramas. Or.. I was too much into books and studying very hard. Rarely went out just for chilling with friend. Those I consider wasting time.

I am wrong. Off course.

Because I rarely go out I could not learn much about life. As being young I had so many doubts lingering in mind. And perhaps, socializing with friends could help. Perhaps.

But maybe I have been traumatized too early. And since then I distrust people. I will not let anyone close to me. I will never open my self to someone I know, not to mention a stranger. How would I trust someone I do not know?

I am wrong. Again.

Learning is not an easy process. For sure hard work is needed. And it is clear that I learned in a hard way. I should notice since I am clever enough to understand. But at that time it seems so much hurdle around. I shall accept that I am weak. I am just a human.

So to end the story of 2016, and to enter a new year a head, I hope for nothing but the best. I do have wishes but for a thirty something woman who are not yet married.. but you know what.. I will let it be in the hand of the creator. I do believe in every reason behind everything. I do not trust anyone but I do trust Him. The One and Only.

I.. am a human. I am a woman too.

I forgive all my mistakes in the past. I embrace a new self, a year old me, with hope and more love. 

I understand that I should work harder than before. Stronger than ever. And I will never let myself down.

I surely grow older. And I hope for the better.

So.. Happy birthday, love..

Be ready for a new journey..

Grateful

I am not complaining my life. not at all. never.

I will just keep my eyes closed. my mouth shut. I won’t ask anything again.

I will just do what I want to do. The best that I could.

I do not need to proof anything to you.

I do not need a recognizion.

I am alone is enough.

.

.

.

.
Not..